Thursday, May 11, 2017


Time heals all wounds.  Isn't that how the saying goes?
Time does not in fact heal all wounds, time makes them a bit more bearable 
and scabs them over so they aren't raw.
Scabs aren't pretty and often leave scars.
Scars tell a story, don't they.

Since a bit of time has passed, I thought I would share some more of our story and thoughts.
When we experienced our first loss, it came totally out of nowhere. 
I had no reason to expect something wrong after 6 healthy pregnancies and deliveries.
When we became pregnant again, it was a whole different ball game.

Pregnancy after a loss is so different.
We were excited of course, but subdued, thinking of what had happened previously. And scared to be honest.
In fact, we barely even talked about it--the baby, the pregnancy, any of it.
Every ache or pain had me questioning and wondering if everything was okay.
We hoped and prayed for all to be well, but it was not God's will that we have a baby at that time.
I can't describe what I felt when I saw the first bit of blood after this eighth pregnancy.
It was like shattering into a million pieces.
I hadn't thought that we would be put through the agony of a loss again. 
Bleeding in early pregnancy is fairly common, but I just knew.
We were almost 12 weeks along.
Almost the 2nd trimester. 
There is no magic number when a pregnancy is "safe," but in general, humanly speaking--we were just about to the "safe zone,"  We had been getting ready to tell people.  We hadn't even told the kids yet--they didn't know until I was already in the midst of the loss.  

We did not opt to get any testing done following the losses.
There is nothing that can be done to prevent a loss such as we have had and many times the testing comes back inconclusive.  In addition, if there were some genetic abnormality--we would never terminate a pregnancy anyway.  Again, we have faith that it is all planned out for us by the Author and Finisher and we will trust in His plan and purpose for us.  

I don't know what the future has in store for us, whether our family is complete or whether we are to add to it.  At this point, we are open to whatever God's will is for us.  His plan is by far better than ours anyway.  I do think though that if we are blessed with another child that instead of waiting to announce--we would ask for prayer right away. ~James 5:16~

I think it is sad how the majority of people reject the gifts that God gives--purposefully.
The Bible says that children are a GIFT!
 Even "Christian" families are rejecting these gifts.
I pray that we would NOT be so selfish and ungrateful.
My views concerning family planning and birth control have morphed slightly over the years.
I'm not sure that I'm ready to open that can of worms though or if anyone would even care to discuss it, maybe I'll put it on the back-burner to revisit at another time.

After our losses, it was kind of eye-opening how many women that I know had actually experienced it and had never shared with anyone.  I understand that--it is very personal and most times people don't know how to react.  I just very recently had an acquaintance reach out after her first loss and I'm glad she did.  I think it is important to talk about these things and there is that immediate connection in experiencing the same grief.  If we can offer just a little bit of comfort to those grieving, than it hasn't been for nothing.  This goes for miscarriage, infertility, stillbirth, special needs babies and the list goes on--no one will know or understand unless we share and make ourselves vulnerable.

The other thing I'd like to touch on briefly, many of the healthcare professionals offered counseling as a source of comfort but also closure. While we declined, I think that is important.  More important in my mind and experience was having a rock-solid foundation on Christ alone, a supporting spouse, and a confidante who knows you and can relate to your life.  Make connections with people, you never know who YOU may be able to minister to and vice versa.  It was also mentioned about having some sort of service for our babies, if that is what you need--do it.  Personally, we did not feel the need.  We have the hope that as covenant children, we will meet them one day again.  In a sense, we can almost be envious that they do not need to know the heartache and sin of this life.  As much as we'd like them in our arms, aren't the arms of our Heavenly Father so much better?!  We did not name our babies either, many people do.   This does not make them any less real or loved to us.

Our first loss would have been a little over 2 months old now.
Our second would still have about 4 months left in the womb.
Those dates and lives will be forever be a part of us.
I hope that our living children also remember, understand and be sensitive to these things.

In many ways, 2015-today have been the worst years of my life, to date.
Yet, as much as I do wish a lot of the things had not happened, I am so very grateful for the stretching and growth all of the events have caused.  In spite of, or maybe even BECAUSE of the hard times, I can truly say we are so very, very blessed.

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