FRAGILE

Generally, it takes me about five to ten minutes to get up an average blog post. 

Generally, I don't get too personal.

However, circumstances lately call for something a bit more.

The bruises covering my arms will soon fade.

The bleeding will soon stop.

The days will pass and turn into weeks and I will have nothing to show.

A permanent hole in my heart that will not be visible.

We lost a little one this past week.

We were around 11 weeks pregnant when I had a spontaneous miscarriage.

I won't go into details, but it was physically very frightening.

I had to go to the hospital.  I passed out a couple times.

  I had to have tests and fluids and oxygen and ultimately, surgery.

There were brief talks of a blood transfusion, which thankfully did not happen.

I was spared.

Our baby was not.

Why?

I don't know why.

Why were we given a life to have it taken away?

Why did my body perfectly carry six healthy babies and not this one?

Honestly, physically I am okay.  I'm pretty much back to normal activities.

Emotionally, it is going to take awhile.

We were very much looking forward to this little one.

No one had been told that we were expecting.

We only told the kids the day before the miscarriage when we went to check for a heartbeat.

So, why am I putting this out there?

I'm not ready to literally talk about it.  

I think though if I had not shared with our immediate family and closest friends that it would definitely cause a barrier.  This was a life.  This is a major life event.  Our lives are never going to be exactly as they were.  

I'm not angry.  

How could I possibly be angry when God has already given me six healthy blessings.

I'm not even really questioning His will.

It is a hard blow, but I accept it.

God's plans are perfect and His mercies are new every morning.

There is a reason for this..whether it be for personal growth or to be able to help someone else in the future or some other reason I can't even fathom...

I am just really, really, overwhelmed with sadness.

This summer has been a huge test of faith for our family.

I thought at the beginning of August that things couldn't get too much worse.

My hardworking husband lost his job.

Completely out of the blue--we were shocked and at first devastated.

However, we both trusted that we would be provided for and our trust was not misplaced.

Our God has provided for us far beyond what we expected.

I could name names and thank individuals, but ultimately it is our Father in Heaven who laid it upon their hearts to help us out.

It has been humbling and hard.

Mike was able to find employment fairly quickly.

We aren't "out of the woods" so to speak in this regard yet, but we aren't worried.

I found out we were expecting a week prior to the job loss.

As you can imagine, it was an emotional time..

This week though far surpasses the trials of job loss and financial worries.

So, here you are,

I needed to document this, 

For me.

For our baby and for the living blessings.

For those of you who have gone through this, my heart goes out to you.

For those of you that feel helpless or don't know what to do, nothing is required.

If it ever does come up in conversation, just acknowledging the life is enough.

Prayers are always welcomed.

Whether I now press publish or not is the question.